(The following is based on actual experiences and events.)
RE: What to Do If You Encounter a Black Foreigner at Night (safety tactics for poor, defenseless, sexually irresistible Japanese women In distress)
The following safety tips were compiled for you--a poor, defenseless, Japanese woman, a probable victim, in the unfortunate event you should be found trekking the city streets during the evening hours, and encounter any dark-complexioned male subject of considerable height and build, henceforth referred to as "Black Foreigner."
It should be noted that the Black Foreigner has flown, sailed, and/or swam thousands of miles from his native country with the sole intention of victimizing you: a poor, meek, defenseless Japanese lady. You are undoubtedly sexually irresistible to every Black Foreigner. When on the streets at night, it would be foolhardy to assume that the Black Foreigner is up to any honest activity; in fact, he is constantly plotting ways to victimize you, the Japanese woman. The Black Foreigner is extremely dangerous, especially if he is wearing black articles of clothing, not limited to hats, gloves, shoes, or jackets, which undoubtedly increase his level of dangerous Blackness.
Please do not assume the Black Foreigner walking the streets in the evening hours, is returning home from work or running an errand, like yourself. Do not assume that bookbags, briefcases, nor plastic bags with shop logos have any work-related articles nor food in them. They most likely conceal the remains of his previous Japanese female victim. Therefore, exercise great caution when employing one or several of the following survival tactics:
1. Run! Even though there may be no train or bus station in sight, pretend to be rushing to catch a train or bus, as you sprint past and away from Black Foreigner. While escaping, please beware collisions with other Japanese pedestrians and bikers who are not yet aware of impending threat of Black Foreigner. Do not look back at Black Foreigner. (Note: Studies show that, comparatively, Japanese women are proficient at outrunning Black Foreigners, who are standing still or walking. Moreover, a sprinting Japanese female victim versus a Black Foreigner who's standing still or walking, will escape roughly *99.9% of the time, even in high-heeled shoes, thus making running a virtually failsafe survival tactic.) *(This statistic inverts in case the Black Foreigner is running also.)
2. Ninja Invisibility Technique. Hold your breath while standing still. According to Japanese legend, this ancient technique was employed by ninja rebels during the feudal eras, rendering themselves invisible to the naked eye, allowing them to evade pursuers undetected. To enhance invisibility, please avoid eye contact with Black Foreigner.
3. Cross the street. If close to an intersection, proceed to cross to the opposite side of the street immediately. If Black Foreigner approaches while traffic light is red, use Ninja Invisibility Technique.
4. Fake a phone call. Pretend to call someone/ actually call someone on your cell phone. Speak loudly. Doing this creates the illusion of a phone conversation with an "audible witness" to the potential victimization that is about to transpire, although audible witness can do nothing to assist you in event of actual victimization.
5. Invisible Sneak. If unable to retreat in the opposite direction, try to sneak past Black Foreigner briskly, while employing the Ninja Invisibility Technique, while looking at the ground. Because the probable victim is moving, this tactic will only render one partially invisible, although looking downwards away from Black Foreigner strengthens the invisibility factor. Beware wandering trees, lampposts, street signs, etc.
6. Keep a personal bodyguard. Activate Pokemon character attached to your cell phone. A solid shock from Pikachu can stun your probable assailant long enough for you to make your escape.
7. Create distance. Also, if probable victim is unable to retreat in the opposite direction of travel, maintain your direction while veering your path of travel away from oncoming Black Foreigner at the widest possible arc. Doing this will create distance and a "safety zone" between yourself and your probable assailant. The establishment of one's personal safety zone is critical in Japan's congested urban settings, even if safety zone requires probable victim to dash into the street, near moving traffic, (CAUTION: Dashing into streets of moving traffic increases the risk of being struck by oncoming vehicles; however, presence of oncoming Black Foreigner may pose greater risk of stress anxiety due to worry, panic, and xenophobia.)
8. Follow your instincts. Surprisingly, your most primal instinct may compel you to ask Black Foreigner out to dinner, perhaps even date, then marry him. Some consider this a strategy of reverse psychology to disarm the Black Foreigner's dangerous Blackness, while others disagree. However, this tactic poses great risk of injury from probable victim's parents, particularly Papa.
(These safety tips are sponsored by the Kokugaijin Civil Safety & Crime Prevention Committee (Co-sponsored by Playboy brand loose socks, Louis Vuitton brand mobile phone decals, and Chapstick brand green-tea flavored lip gloss))
