Don't ask me why I wrote it... I just did.
An unnamed journalist conducted an exclusive group interview at the recent Celebrity Supermom Power Summit at the Anaheim Convention Center in Anaheim, California. He caught up with Madonna, Angelina Jolie, Governor Sarah Palin, Erykah Badu, and Nadya Suleman aka "Octomom," who had arrived just prior to their panel seminar, "Whose Your Mommy?: How to Be a Supermom." Here's the transcript:
Journalist: Thank you ladies for this opportunity. This is such a unique occasion in Hollywood to be able to bring together so many lovely women celebrities who are also iconic supermoms. Could I have your thoughts on this event?
Gov. Sarah Palin: Ya know, I'm just so glad to be here to be able to come together with real American women like myself to celebrate and honor working moms who are just so proud to be red-blooded Americans. The free t-shirts and passes to Disneyworld were really nice too!
Madonna: This power summit is mind-blowing. It's an empowering moment for the supermoms to come out, bond, and just celebrate the many pleasures of being a mother, especially procreation...
Angelina Jolie: Yeah...
Erykah Badu: Well, I believe the Most High brought all of us sisters here today and gave us this platform to give thanks and be one as a community of Earth-goddesses...
Nadya Suleman: I'm just so excited to be here! Angelina, it's so nice to meet you!
Angelina Jolie: Yeah...
Badu: They said my girl Lauryn was supposed to be here. Have any of y'all seen her?
Journalist: That's great. So ladies, could you just briefly sum up what it's like to be a supermom? How do you balance being high-profile career women and raising large families at the same time?
Madge: Well, since I was a girl, I've always felt like I was destined to be a supermom. Then after I had Lourdes, I knew it was true, because everything just felt right, you know? My sex drive was in high gear, and I just wanted more and more babies. Then Rocco came...and after that, the Kabbalah guided me to Africa, and little David came into my life. El Shaddai has given me so many blessings with my children. Motherhood is super sexy...
Badu: Ooh, that's deep, girl.
Jolie: Yeah, totally...
Palin: Who is Elsa Die?..
Madge: No, that's El Shaddai...as in God.
Palin: Ohh, I see. Well, up north in Alaska we call God "Sweet Baby Jesus," but I have respect for the pagan faiths as well.
Madge: It's not pagan, it's Hebrew...You know, you should try studying Kabbalah--it really helps with bad karma...
Palin: Oh, ya know, thank you so much for your offer, Miss Madonna, but I think I'll stick with the American God.
Badu: Um, anyway... so, to me, becoming a mother was a true blessing. My seeds have brought so much light into my life, and my inner Earth has blossomed 360 degrees into a full cipher, ya dig what I'm saying?
Journalist: Mm, not really. But I'm listening...
Octomom: I love being a mommy. I love all of my babies, so, so very much. I'd do anything in the world for them. They're my best friends. Did you know that Angelina Jolie means "happy little angel" in French? I read it in a magazine. I named all of my octuplets "Angel" too.
Jolie: ...
Palin: Ya know, being a supermom is just the bestest thing. It's sorta like being mayor of a small town, except you live in the same house with all your constituents--but they can't vote you out! But ya know what the great thing about having a big family is, Mr. Reporter? You can really put your older ones to good use by making them tend to your young'uns while you take care of more important business like keeping our borders safe. Gotta keep an eye on those Russians!
Journalist: I see. Moving along...uh, I'd like your thoughts on adoption. It seems more celebrity moms are taking steps toward adopting children, particularly from abroad. I'd especially like to hear from Angelina and Madonna, in light of your recent plight in Malawi...
Madge: Well, I was just devastated by what happened in Malawi. I just couldn't understand it...I mean, you would think they would be grateful that I flew all the way down there from London to take a poor, little baby off of their hands. I mean, c'mon, my ovaries have just about had it, and only want David to grow up with another child who looks like him. And little Mercy was a perfect fit to complete the set. They've just made things so hard for me...
Jolie: You should go to Cambodia. The babies are pretty cheap there, too. No hassle.
Journalist: Okay, so..Angelina? Your thoughts on adoption?
Jolie: I'm all for it. I love babies, but after two natural childbirths, but I'm so over C-sections. It's all adoptions from here on out.
Journalist: Is that so? So you're planning on adopting again?
Jolie: Most definitely. Brad and I have been planning a trip to India. I got a hankering for one of those adorable Slumdog cuties after we saw the film...I'm thinking about getting all three versions of the lead girl.
Badu: Excuse me, I don't mean to interrupt.... Look, if y'all wanted some po' lil' dark-skinned babies, all y'all had to do was come down to the ATL and Dallas...they got all types of lil' black crack babies down there! I'm sure adoption would be NO problem. Hell, I gotta couple of 'kids that I'd be more than glad to let you babysit on the weekends. I get tired of dealing with Seven and Puma's daddies' mess all the time...
Jolie: Crack baby? Sorry, I don't do domestic.
Palin: Oh, you have a puma? I have a Huskie!
Badu: No, honey. That's Puma Rose--my eldest baby girl...
Madge: I dated a Tiger and a Bengal once.
Badu: Y'ALL are trippin'...
Octomom: I wanted to have all my babies naturally, so I just adopted the sperm part.
Palin: Ohh, are you the lady who had all the surrogate babies?
Octomom: Not surrogate...in-vitro embryonic fertilization.
Badu: (muttering)Test-tube babies.
Octomom: They are NOT test-tube babies! My babies are immaculate little angel drops from Heaven.
Journalist: Speaking of immaculate conception, Ms. Suleman...this brings me to my next question--there's been a lot of controversy surrounding your giving birth to fourteen children as a single parent. What are your responses to those who criticize single and out-of-wedlock mothers who they perceive as having irresponsibly chosen to have so many children?
Octomom: Well, I was married before, and marriage was kinda gross. My babies are all that I need in my life now, and I can make it on my own...My mother's going to take three extra jobs, and Daddy's going to Iraq to make money defusing bombs and translating hostage negotiations, so everything's going to be just perfect.
Palin: Well, I believe in a two-person married household, where children can grow up properly with a mother and father in the eyes of the Lord.
Journalist: But Governor, didn't your daughter recently have a child out of wedlock?...
Palin: Goshdarnit, you "gotcha" media guys are all over, aren't ya? Well, at least my daughter has her father around to be a part of my grandson's life. With all respect, sir, I think it's unfair how you liberals would rather pick on a high school girl instead of addressing the welfare queens out here who don't uphold monogamous values... I didn't hear you question the voodoo lady!
Badu: Excuse me? Voodoo lady? All my chil'uns are very well-taken care of, thank you very much. And I keep a father-figure or two around the house at all times...ya betta believe that.
Jolie: I don't see what the big fuss is all about. Me, Brad and the nannies are doing fantastically raising six children in an unmarried relationship...
Madge: Meh, marriage is overrated anyway. Men come and men go. They're pretty much just good for one thing anyway--am I right ladies?...Single motherhood is okay, as long as you can afford the babies and, trust me, I can afford a LOT of babies..
Palin: I'm sorry, but all of this heathen talk is making me light-headed...I could use a mooseburger.
Octomom: I'm celibate. Just like Mary.
Journalist: Alrighty. Finally, I'd just like to ask if any of you would consider having more children?
Octomom: Mm, not right now. But if possible, I don't know, maybe again one day if the right sperm donor comes along.
Palin: You betcha. If Todd is up to it, I'd like to be the first woman to give birth in the White House.
Badu: Jah, help us...I'm fine with the three I have, but if the Creator were to send another seed my way, I'd gladly accept Her blessing.
Madge: Mama needs a brand new babe! If you're selling, I'm buying...Angie, see you in India, hottie!
Jolie: Jai ho!
...........................
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Apr 17, 2009
Dec 21, 2006
BEWARE THE BLACK FOREIGNER!
(The following is based on actual experiences and events.)
RE: What to Do If You Encounter a Black Foreigner at Night (safety tactics for poor, defenseless, sexually irresistible Japanese women In distress)
The following safety tips were compiled for you--a poor, defenseless, Japanese woman, a probable victim, in the unfortunate event you should be found trekking the city streets during the evening hours, and encounter any dark-complexioned male subject of considerable height and build, henceforth referred to as "Black Foreigner."
It should be noted that the Black Foreigner has flown, sailed, and/or swam thousands of miles from his native country with the sole intention of victimizing you: a poor, meek, defenseless Japanese lady. You are undoubtedly sexually irresistible to every Black Foreigner. When on the streets at night, it would be foolhardy to assume that the Black Foreigner is up to any honest activity; in fact, he is constantly plotting ways to victimize you, the Japanese woman. The Black Foreigner is extremely dangerous, especially if he is wearing black articles of clothing, not limited to hats, gloves, shoes, or jackets, which undoubtedly increase his level of dangerous Blackness.
Please do not assume the Black Foreigner walking the streets in the evening hours, is returning home from work or running an errand, like yourself. Do not assume that bookbags, briefcases, nor plastic bags with shop logos have any work-related articles nor food in them. They most likely conceal the remains of his previous Japanese female victim. Therefore, exercise great caution when employing one or several of the following survival tactics:
1. Run! Even though there may be no train or bus station in sight, pretend to be rushing to catch a train or bus, as you sprint past and away from Black Foreigner. While escaping, please beware collisions with other Japanese pedestrians and bikers who are not yet aware of impending threat of Black Foreigner. Do not look back at Black Foreigner. (Note: Studies show that, comparatively, Japanese women are proficient at outrunning Black Foreigners, who are standing still or walking. Moreover, a sprinting Japanese female victim versus a Black Foreigner who's standing still or walking, will escape roughly *99.9% of the time, even in high-heeled shoes, thus making running a virtually failsafe survival tactic.) *(This statistic inverts in case the Black Foreigner is running also.)
2. Ninja Invisibility Technique. Hold your breath while standing still. According to Japanese legend, this ancient technique was employed by ninja rebels during the feudal eras, rendering themselves invisible to the naked eye, allowing them to evade pursuers undetected. To enhance invisibility, please avoid eye contact with Black Foreigner.
3. Cross the street. If close to an intersection, proceed to cross to the opposite side of the street immediately. If Black Foreigner approaches while traffic light is red, use Ninja Invisibility Technique.
4. Fake a phone call. Pretend to call someone/ actually call someone on your cell phone. Speak loudly. Doing this creates the illusion of a phone conversation with an "audible witness" to the potential victimization that is about to transpire, although audible witness can do nothing to assist you in event of actual victimization.
5. Invisible Sneak. If unable to retreat in the opposite direction, try to sneak past Black Foreigner briskly, while employing the Ninja Invisibility Technique, while looking at the ground. Because the probable victim is moving, this tactic will only render one partially invisible, although looking downwards away from Black Foreigner strengthens the invisibility factor. Beware wandering trees, lampposts, street signs, etc.
6. Keep a personal bodyguard. Activate Pokemon character attached to your cell phone. A solid shock from Pikachu can stun your probable assailant long enough for you to make your escape.
7. Create distance. Also, if probable victim is unable to retreat in the opposite direction of travel, maintain your direction while veering your path of travel away from oncoming Black Foreigner at the widest possible arc. Doing this will create distance and a "safety zone" between yourself and your probable assailant. The establishment of one's personal safety zone is critical in Japan's congested urban settings, even if safety zone requires probable victim to dash into the street, near moving traffic, (CAUTION: Dashing into streets of moving traffic increases the risk of being struck by oncoming vehicles; however, presence of oncoming Black Foreigner may pose greater risk of stress anxiety due to worry, panic, and xenophobia.)
8. Follow your instincts. Surprisingly, your most primal instinct may compel you to ask Black Foreigner out to dinner, perhaps even date, then marry him. Some consider this a strategy of reverse psychology to disarm the Black Foreigner's dangerous Blackness, while others disagree. However, this tactic poses great risk of injury from probable victim's parents, particularly Papa.
(These safety tips are sponsored by the Kokugaijin Civil Safety & Crime Prevention Committee (Co-sponsored by Playboy brand loose socks, Louis Vuitton brand mobile phone decals, and Chapstick brand green-tea flavored lip gloss))
RE: What to Do If You Encounter a Black Foreigner at Night (safety tactics for poor, defenseless, sexually irresistible Japanese women In distress)
The following safety tips were compiled for you--a poor, defenseless, Japanese woman, a probable victim, in the unfortunate event you should be found trekking the city streets during the evening hours, and encounter any dark-complexioned male subject of considerable height and build, henceforth referred to as "Black Foreigner."
It should be noted that the Black Foreigner has flown, sailed, and/or swam thousands of miles from his native country with the sole intention of victimizing you: a poor, meek, defenseless Japanese lady. You are undoubtedly sexually irresistible to every Black Foreigner. When on the streets at night, it would be foolhardy to assume that the Black Foreigner is up to any honest activity; in fact, he is constantly plotting ways to victimize you, the Japanese woman. The Black Foreigner is extremely dangerous, especially if he is wearing black articles of clothing, not limited to hats, gloves, shoes, or jackets, which undoubtedly increase his level of dangerous Blackness.
Please do not assume the Black Foreigner walking the streets in the evening hours, is returning home from work or running an errand, like yourself. Do not assume that bookbags, briefcases, nor plastic bags with shop logos have any work-related articles nor food in them. They most likely conceal the remains of his previous Japanese female victim. Therefore, exercise great caution when employing one or several of the following survival tactics:
1. Run! Even though there may be no train or bus station in sight, pretend to be rushing to catch a train or bus, as you sprint past and away from Black Foreigner. While escaping, please beware collisions with other Japanese pedestrians and bikers who are not yet aware of impending threat of Black Foreigner. Do not look back at Black Foreigner. (Note: Studies show that, comparatively, Japanese women are proficient at outrunning Black Foreigners, who are standing still or walking. Moreover, a sprinting Japanese female victim versus a Black Foreigner who's standing still or walking, will escape roughly *99.9% of the time, even in high-heeled shoes, thus making running a virtually failsafe survival tactic.) *(This statistic inverts in case the Black Foreigner is running also.)
2. Ninja Invisibility Technique. Hold your breath while standing still. According to Japanese legend, this ancient technique was employed by ninja rebels during the feudal eras, rendering themselves invisible to the naked eye, allowing them to evade pursuers undetected. To enhance invisibility, please avoid eye contact with Black Foreigner.
3. Cross the street. If close to an intersection, proceed to cross to the opposite side of the street immediately. If Black Foreigner approaches while traffic light is red, use Ninja Invisibility Technique.
4. Fake a phone call. Pretend to call someone/ actually call someone on your cell phone. Speak loudly. Doing this creates the illusion of a phone conversation with an "audible witness" to the potential victimization that is about to transpire, although audible witness can do nothing to assist you in event of actual victimization.
5. Invisible Sneak. If unable to retreat in the opposite direction, try to sneak past Black Foreigner briskly, while employing the Ninja Invisibility Technique, while looking at the ground. Because the probable victim is moving, this tactic will only render one partially invisible, although looking downwards away from Black Foreigner strengthens the invisibility factor. Beware wandering trees, lampposts, street signs, etc.
6. Keep a personal bodyguard. Activate Pokemon character attached to your cell phone. A solid shock from Pikachu can stun your probable assailant long enough for you to make your escape.
7. Create distance. Also, if probable victim is unable to retreat in the opposite direction of travel, maintain your direction while veering your path of travel away from oncoming Black Foreigner at the widest possible arc. Doing this will create distance and a "safety zone" between yourself and your probable assailant. The establishment of one's personal safety zone is critical in Japan's congested urban settings, even if safety zone requires probable victim to dash into the street, near moving traffic, (CAUTION: Dashing into streets of moving traffic increases the risk of being struck by oncoming vehicles; however, presence of oncoming Black Foreigner may pose greater risk of stress anxiety due to worry, panic, and xenophobia.)
8. Follow your instincts. Surprisingly, your most primal instinct may compel you to ask Black Foreigner out to dinner, perhaps even date, then marry him. Some consider this a strategy of reverse psychology to disarm the Black Foreigner's dangerous Blackness, while others disagree. However, this tactic poses great risk of injury from probable victim's parents, particularly Papa.
(These safety tips are sponsored by the Kokugaijin Civil Safety & Crime Prevention Committee (Co-sponsored by Playboy brand loose socks, Louis Vuitton brand mobile phone decals, and Chapstick brand green-tea flavored lip gloss))
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